Dammit, Won’t You Be My Valentine!

I went to Wal-Mart to buy you flowers,
but everything they had was Made in China,
redneck candles made in Both Carolina,

vases made by non-English speaking I-talians
or Slavs, icicle-hearts made by Canadians.
Heart-shaped kangaroo sweaters made by Australians.

I was going to buy you a stuffed bear
but it turned out to be Republican real,
a rose-holding smiling, clubbed to death baby seal,

a card that yelled I Love You
Forever And Forever And Forever
which the author apparently thought was clever.

I decided to buy you a necklace,
it had to be gold since you’re allergic to silver,
a bracelet, maybe, but the drugstore didn't deliver.

Then I went to the flower shop, when lo and behold,
an Indian clerk was behind the counter,
I said, “Don’t you work for Dell as a tech supporter?”

I told him I wanted a dozen roses
and he handed me a dozen dahlias.
I had to point out the roses’ genitalias.

So I got you these damn roses
for Valentine’s Day, my darling, mi amor, my dear,
no necklace, no bracelet, no candy, love’s a pain in the rear!